My sister and brothers

MARGARET - CZAREK - PETER

As a boy I was having three passions: school, church and travels. Because of the last passion mother was calling me "village leg". All these three passions were making me strange and alien home. My idols became slowly in place of parents or brothers: teachers, priests, writers and their heroes. As 15 years boy I read all the historical books of Kraszewski. It happened that I was falling down walking to the school because my eyes were in the book. Same I was doing between classes and even on some lessons.

As altar boy I was also exaggerating trying in the lent to use some small branches of trees as Jesus crown to get wounds on my head. Bicycle was used to visit in all the villages in the circle around 20 km.

I even visited far away Zielun which I was not seeing perhaps 6 years. Same during my summer visits to grand-mother in Lubianki I was walking without plan to villages like: Chrostkowo, Obory, and Dzialyn. It was acircle about 10 km.

My mother was right I was "Village leg". My brothers, but mostly my sister was calling me "Caroline", and I was sad because it was female pseudonym, not good for a boy.

For my brothers and sisters I was strange, even absent.

I. MARGARET AGNESS

1. Iron baton

Both sister and me we born in Rypin and we were living on Jagiellonska Street. I cannot remember nothing from these times except my mothers' tales. She talked that I was jealous and unhappy when she bore, because all the attention which before was on me, now she got. Once I too the iron baton yelling that "I will kill her".

2. Portraits

Zielun I remember well, I remember how she was growing, faster than me, she was eating ever with good apetite. I was getting some drugs stimulating apetite. I remember once we hide behind the table and eat together these drugs.

As other children, before going to kindergarten we were staying with some Mrs. Krysia. Krysia has bit handicapped legs, perhaps it was a reason that she was unmarried even around 40, she smoke much, played cards with herself, sometime yelled on her mother.

They were living on second floor of old stone house. In the center of the kitchen was iron heat on coal, red from heat. In their kitchen we spent most time, it was really hot there. The second room was nice and clean, there was small red lamp like in the church. There were also old prayer books which mother of Krysia was using to pray. Once I saw these books, and I was really impressed looking nicely designed Way of Cross.

Sometime fathers were going out in the evening and we were staying alone playing with radio, dressing parents dressings and shoes.

Our house was the last in the settlement; near us were living family Olszewski and family Zdunkiewicz. Olszewski had adult children so there was nothing interesting to us except big picture of Jesus preaching from the boat.

Family Zdunkiewicz had 3 children. The girl Ania was same age as I am, Janek and Kazik were older than me but I remember we were playing soldiers in the snow together making tunnels. My mother was ever telling that these people are very religious and in fact the older boy gone to minor seminary first but returned home because of bad records, the middle boy Janek gone to Major Seminary and became good priest.

Same street were living children of so called "soltys" (responsible for local farmers), his children Heniek and Basia were also same age as me and Margaret. I hope sister also remember them.

As children, most of time we spent together in kindergarten. We were same size so fathers were dressing us same style even sometime same things which made me sad. I was black hairs, she was white. I was small for my age; she was ever biggest between children of her age. These days photograph came to kindergarten and made us nice portraits which still have to be home in Skrwilno, hanging on the wall.

I remember once mother was punishing me for lack of appetite and sister was defending me "mama, do not punish him, I will eat his portion of bread".

3. Collecting things

Worse times, which Margaret has to remember better it is our staying in Skrwilno. We were poor people these days. I was encouraged by my mother to collect things as before. Margaret was never caring that.

Mother was sending us shopping so I tried to return all the money back, Margaret was buying bonbons.

I ever was collecting chewing gum or bonbon and she ever find them and still to me. It was bad play.

It was a reason of conflicts. I ever had a reason to hate her. I was calling her "Gokha" or worse "cow", she called me "Caroline". We were living on Koscielna Street on the second floor of Family Gorski house.

Near there was peace of empty land and many children was coming play football and another plays. Margaret was playing with girls of Klimowski and Szymanski family in the neighbor. On the same street was the church so it was good opportunity to spend there free time.

When we move on Targowa Street we got new friends. Margaret was visiting Jola Wierzbowska her classmate. Their friendship survived until studies in Bydgoszcz times.

4. Summer camps

On summer camps we ever were traveling together to different cities or villages in the country. I remember Borowy Mlyn close to Chojnice perhaps in 4 or 5-th class. Old Prussian School, church without Cross...we were walking with our teachers looking for mushrooms or on the river which was cold and small so not attractive.

We were together in Kaczory forest living in tenths. We were also twice in Warsaw on Szegedynska Street and on winter vacasions in Kudowa Zdroj and Wloclawek. The last trip together was to Wejherowo close to Gdansk.

Mother was happy sending us on these trips because it was cheep and she has time for two small brothers to care them. We were having similar blue bags.

In fact I was not caring in these trips my sister, she was enough strong to defend herself, also I was ever thinking she is worse and has bad looking. I was thinking so until the last trip to Warsaw. These days she became so nice that my colleagues were asking me to introduce them to my sister. She was the biggest girl in the school perhaps the nicest.

I became proud of her, but it was too late. I moved to Brodnica Lyceum and we were seeing each other only in holydays.

5. Lyceum in Brodnica

Same ua in summer camps in my mothers mind we were supposed to support each other. Dhe came to same Lyceum as I was. It was my third class and she just started in the first. Finally I grow an we were more less same size. Much time she was higher than me. I was a bit arrogant boy, but perhaps handsome. She was telling me that some of her classmate like me, but I was not carrying nothing. These days I got my fashion of traveling in the top point and I was not caring my sister at all. We were together only one year in Lyceum, at the end of this special year I moved to Wloclawek and she stayed alone. What she does and how she was there, I have no idea.

6. Pilgrimage to Czestokhowa

When my sister finnished Lyceum, she wished to continue her studies. Perhaps she realized how painful my lack of success in these competitions was. She has gone in pilgrimage to Czestokhova, together with Jola Wierzbowska. I was so surprised. I was unable to believe that she may do it. I was never thinking she may be so religious, even she was singing in the parish choir during many years. She has gone and she came back with wounded legs, but happy. She promised Holly Mary to go back next year if she may pass exams successfully. So she does this twice.

7. Studies

During her studies I was visiting her many times, but I was not asking her life conditions, I was so busy with myself. Margaret was very afraid about me; it was surprising me very much. I was not expecting that from her side.

We slowly knew each other like these happy days in Zielun. She was supporting my efforts to pass exams in Opole and she was very busy when I was in the prison during Army Service.

She even visited me in arrest. Many of her classmates were passing me greetings that time.

8. Chojnice

During her studies, she got to know some friends in Chojnice and she spent much time there. Also she find there boyfriend and got decision to work in Chojnice after studies. I saw once this boy but because he was from rich family I was much jealous and suspicious. Afraid that sister may be a servant in his family rather than a wife in case of marriage. I was costumed that the boy have to look for girl and I has impression my sister is looking for him much more than he does. I was also nervous seeing how my mother is happy because of such perspective. I was thinking all of them loose their mind.

The first year of my sister staying was in small East Prussian village near Chojnice. Life conditions in my opinion were more than crazy. I saw that because I was visiting her in her house very first days when she has moved.

Her house was full of mouses and rats. Long time there was nobody living there. She has no power to clean the place herself, even she was not costumed in cooking herself. She was in school and I was doing my best perhaps one or two weeks. Her boyfriend was in Greece these days and she was very sad. I saw how much she was alone there and proposed that the youngest brother move fro Brodnica Lyceum to Chojnice. Both she and my mother agree my idea and Peter stayed there.

Finally that house in Chojnice became refuge for both, my brother and my mother during some family crisis which was granted ever when father drunk.

Perhaps these two ladies, I mean mother and sister had much more good intuitions than myself.

These Chojnice story has happy end. Darek and Margaret got marry even I was against and even absent on weddings. Chojnice became our second house and the place of burial of my parents.

9. Peace

My mother ever wished all the children love each other. She was asking me to come and visit my sister after her weddings. It happened only 6 years later. Perhaps it happened in 1996. I was very sad these days because my staying in Russia was very hard. First visit was out of words, I was unable to talk. I came to visit my mother much more than sister and I gone after one day visit. Later in 1998 I came with fr. Mackiewicz during our travel to Germany. He talked much because he liked cars and sister's husband was same fashion man. I was sleepy, tired and angry so again silent. Mother was happy that formal peace happened.

I liked sister's daughter, she was 100% like my sister in childhood was. White hairs, round cheeks.

10. Mother's death

That first peace was conditionnal, not satisfactory for both parts. I was having my own missionary life and she has own family life. Both of us we were very busy. When I was asking her when the third child will be, she was answering, that she is too much similar to our father, so she has no wish to molest another child with her nerves and yelling.

In fact she is similar to our father by face, but I do not know anything about her character as mother.

It is interesting story what her children will tell some day about their fathers. I also have no idea about relationship between her and her husband. Is it better than between my parents or similar full of storms life? Perhaps it is none of my business.

II. CZAREK JERZY

1. Ambulance

My brother Czarek I remember from very beginning very clearly. I remember mother's pregnancy even I did not understand why she was so fat, she was telling me that I will have another brother or sister soon. That time I was waiting happy, without jealousy. The only problem was, when ambulance came and took my mother, I was bit puzzled and unhappy. Bit later we were visiting her in County Hospital in Zuromin; she was talking to us by the small window and showed us the baby just few seconds.

It was 1969, Czarek bore in April, and the snow was big until the end of May month. I remember the photo made in snow: fathers, two children and small baby. Czarek weight was about 4 kg, so perhaps it was not easy time boring him, for my mother. He stayed fat all his childhood.

2. Container with water

I liked spent time with small brother and fathers were happy that I help them caring the baby. It was the last year in the kindergarten and I was about schoolboy. I saw once Czarek playing with water in the big jar. It was special container with rainy water collected by mother for flowers in the garden. Perhaps something interesting was inside that he put all his had and in few minutes I was seeing only his legs moving with fear.

I took him with all my forces and took out with many difficulties. He was fat and I was still small boy. Mother was telling that I saved his life, but I did not understood how much tragic that moment was.

Another sad story happened in Olszewski's house. Mother was talking with Mrs. Olszewska inside, and we two were in the garden, I do not know where Czarek came near to the dog, I only remember that dog was trying to take baby to his small house. I called the adults and they took Czarek from dog's teethes. Long time he had big wound as memory of that story.

When he started to talk his way of talking was very funny. The first letter was ever "Y". Except telling "water", he pronounced "Yater", except "eyes" he said "yeyes","Fish" he said "Yish"...

Once he made fun for all the family telling that he will not inform us that baton to beat him is hidden behind the commode.

3. Beating each other and hospital

Happy times has gone. After moving to Skrwilno Czarek was about 4 years old and time to time was punished. Few months later appeared Peter and he became the center of attention. So we had 2 small babies. Both were growing fast. I did not realize how much fast. He was in 2 class and I was in eight. We were sleeping together and he told me that has problems with jad. He was disturbing me sleeping by his talking so I was beating him. Next day some lady took him home telling me that he fall down during classes and perhaps it will be good to call doctor. I had no idea what to do, I put him in the bed, thinking that sleep may be the best medicine. Mother came late, and I was asking her to not touch him, because he was sleeping so nicely. She was not hearing me and tried to wake him up. He did not react. When doctor came, the story was the same. His eyes were blind, no reaction on light, his legs and hands were like gum. Both has gone to hospital in Rypin and I got feeling that I will not see him again.

I got good lesson for all my life. He spent 3 months in hospital. Mother was busy in work place and she asked me to visit him daily after classes and I was doing that with pleasure. He returned back much more fat as before, but it was not bothering me at all. Perhaps he was getting hormones or some other strong drugs. I was happy that he is alive.

He was supposed to have first Communion soon and we were not sure if he can study as well as before, not repeating the year.

Few months later I became a student in Lyceum and he became older brother in house caring about mother and going daily to the church like I was doing before. Perhaps it was the reason he decided to go in Minor Plock Seminary.

4. Plock and Brodnica

Comparing me and Margaret, the young brother were not playing accordeon, but guitar. They were rather successful doing this. Especially Czarek He made nice poetries these days of his studies in Minor Seminary.

He was there about 2 years, but just when I started Major Seminary he has gone for ever. He got superstitions against priests. It was unhappy adventure. In Brodnica he was feeling himself rather better.

I was taking him these days to pilgrimages from Plock. He had many friends in the middle of seminarians, but he was not enthusiastic meeting them.

I tried to have him close to me and attracted to Theater Studies in Bialystok.

5. Travelling together

Except taking him on pilgrimages I was taking him also on my travels all around Poland. I realized easily that he has different way of perception these kinds of adventures. He was getting tired easily and missing home during one day. Perhaps he got to know my strange habits without trying to accept them. All his life he was very critical to me.

6. Exams in Bialystok

Finally I do not know it was good or bad. Peter was with my sister I was with Czarek studying same city.

Czarek was really good student, his memory was wonderful. I prepared him by intuition some texts for possible topic of exams and he prepared him very well.

I took permission to stay in Seminary in vacasions time with a working group and also permission to Czarek to stay with me during exams in another room. We were talking much in free time, both happy that he may pass them without problem.

During his studies, I had not much opportunities to visit him in Student House, I was waiting his visits. He was visiting me only in urgent need of money or hunger. I was sharing with him everything I have.

At first he was talking with pleasure about studies and his classmates. Later he became more and more strange and unfriendly to me. No it was not a war. Just intuition was telling me that he is going in wrong direction.

He was dressing himself very poor way, not caring at all his good-looking, perhaps following my worse experiences from student times. I was unable to criticize him.

At my last months in seminary preparing to graduate I got from him strange surprise. He win in student songs competition and got much money as winner. He gave me his entire price for "printing invitation', which is the most expense for young priest. This nicely designed document contains invitation to ceremony of consecration in priesthood and words of blessing for people present on the prayer.

I was busy with my ordination and he was busy planning to move from Bialystok to the best polish Theatre school in Krakow. I was sad knowing this but I was unable to intervene. He was very arrogant these days. It was same kind of arrogant man as me few years before.

7. Krakow

In Krakow he was succesfull and my worries were wrong. He never shared his feelings. I was on missions and some fragmentary picture I has only from mothers words.

8. Peruan night

Czarek came on my first parish together with my mother to Dolistowo. He came in bad moment. In our parish happened that all the Sunday money was stolen and I was very sad. Also I was still planning to go in Byelorussia on children retreats I had nobody to change me. I organized each evening prayer against alcoholism. These prayers my brother did not like. He also did not like seeing my tears after a message in TV about killing two Polish Franciscans in Peru.

I was crying from sadness and he was smiling telling to my mother that I am better actor than he is....

He came back with my father to take my things home, because I was informed about getting permission to go to Russia.

Brother was looking like he has no feeling because of my moving to missions. There were no tear no emotions, nothing. We met after one year in Krakow...

9. Krakow pilgrimages

To meet my familly during vacases and to not loose my parish activities was not easy. I was planning all my vacasions this way that I was taking parishioners in small or big group to Poland for just 10 days. Mostly we were traveling by Lvov to Krakow and Czestokhova. So the first family meeting was in Lagiewniki, south Krakow in monastery of sister Faustina.

Brother was ever the same. It was impression that he feels nothing seeing me. Mother and young brother Peter were very impressed, but not Czarek.

Second meeting in Krakow was in 1994. He met me in Mariacki Church after my phone call. He was looking much better than before, even a little interested by my presence and behaviour. Later he talked to my mother that Jarek (means me), became normal priest. I was just after Italy trip and really relaxed man.

The third meeting in 1995 was same sad as previous. We met home and I proposed to take him to Krakow in our car. I had 50 people with me and very busy looking for them. Czarek just enjoyed time. In Czestokhova he had gone somewhere and did not came in time on meeting point. I went without telling good bye.

The fourth and last meeting before mother's funeral was again home. I just survived from car accident and my head was still wounded. He came in deep night with strange comments about my behaviour in relationship to my sister. I was not ready to such talks. I was more and more sad.

10. Mothers funeral

These years Czarek became more and wilder, far from home being alone with actors of Zielona Gora theatre. I can imagine such society and difficulties of such life of gipsy. I remember my Student House experience and of course for long term a man cannot survive this way.

I saw my brother Czarek in burials day alien, but in presence of some nice and wise girl. They were all the time together so there was not possible to have any talks. I realized easily that this couple has no perspective. The girl was too young and too good for him.

I realized from my sister words that he is drinking much and behaving crazy to her and to youngest brother Peter. For everybody was curious that he was present in the moment of her passing. Mother was very busy trying to organize his weddings, he was telling that it may happen soon, but nothing happened until today.

11. Wind

Czarek never published own poetries, but I remember one of them even I can sing it as a song. That poem is nicelly describing his soul. But not only his onw. It is universal song in my understanding:

I don't know anything
I don't know anything about coming day
I don't know
If he save me on coming
Coming Sunday

I am walking; I am being with him as brothers can be
We have only us with us You and Me
We have us, only us Brother Wind

Let them cry,
Let the heavens explode in pieces
It is most important
If we can find some land
And the man...

I am walking...

III. PETER REMIGIUS

1. Old lady bore baby

Mother was about 40 years old and she became pregnant again. Father was curing him and looking for temporary jobs, similar as me now. He was giving us tasty juice when coming back, but when he was going back to sanatoriums we were staying out of money.

Peter appeared in such conditions as blessing for everybody but also as cross for her. She was taking that cross as brave woman, but in some sense she also gets tired. She took the second job which was visiting village women and organizing them in courses of cooking and some competitions. I was assisting her sometime in these night travels.

We children, all of us we were so happy, that there was a queue to care him. Even small Czarek was wishing to do that.

Peter's story is a good example that you not need to be young, happy and rich to born healthy and wise baby.

2. Czerwonka

Peter was staying once in grand-mother Janina's house. He came back with wounded hands, because he took te hot doors of the heat in the kitchen.

3. Lubianki

On our eyes mother was becoming more and more weak.

When Peter has gone to the school, just these days when I did not pass my first exams to studies, she has gone to the hospital and for an instance I became responsible for two brothers. I was not very happy having such a duty. I remember, I took my brothers to hospital, to visit her and during our travel some controller was insulting me that I took for Peter baby ticket. He was looking big, but he still was in the age when ticket is twice cheaper. Controller was crazy, but there was a lady with us in the bus who was my teacher of mathematics. She knew us and she criticized the man for insulting us and he has gone.

I do not remember how the visit was but I remember mother was asking us to visit grand-mother Jadwiga in Lubianki. It was the last visit there because two months later grand-mother died.

Peter keeps some memories from Lubianki. He even talked to me the story when I was swimming in the lake and disappeared in the water. In fact I was joking. I swam until another beach and came to him from different side f the small lake. He was in tears thinking that I died in the lake.

4. Brodnica-Chojnice

In Brodnica Lyceum like all of us he spent some time, but after my talk to sister my mother took him to Chojnice.

I do not know if he was happy there or unhappy. I had good intentions and I hope finally it was the best choice.

5. Dolistowo chappel

Peter finished his studies in Lyceum Chojnice just these days, when I was finishing my staying in Dolistowo. He was asking my advice in choosing studies but I was too much busy in finishing small chapel in the village Wrocen, that I just took him to Elk, to my aunt, and he has gone back without any advice from my side. One year later he entered Passionist Major Seminary in Lodz. He spent there about one year.

6. Missionary pause

Same as with Czarek we were seeing each other just once a year. I was bad brother for him. I was to busy being priest. I was not wishing to know anything about mothers problems in carying my brothers these days.

The only money I gave to my family was paying for privatization of our house in Skrwilno. It was during my staying in Dolistowo. Same time I was sending money to Czarek on his new studies in Krakow. Later nothing.

7. Funeral

About my mother sick and about her passing I got to knew from Peter. He had small computer and he was sending me small messages by e-mail about mothers health, during my staying in Japan. He was more less strong these days, but I understand that he was suffering more than others.

The first time in my life I realized that Peter is also adult man. I was accustomed to think about him as small baby and now not easy to change that custom. I still think about him as a boy with broken teeth from eating bonbons.

8. Hospital in Rypin

Peter told me that never was thinking, that some day he may be friendly with our father. After our mother passing it happened so, but it was rather short time. Father got sick and it was last sickness in his life. I was unable to accept that two parents may die same time. He got some brain attack stying it the forest and looking for mushrooms. I was not ready caring him but Peter was. I realized that. He was ready to do for him everything like Margaret does for our mother last days. We were together visiting him last time in Rypin hospital before my going to Ukraine.

9. Laski-Ukraine

Peter was assisting me in preparations to that trip. He took me to Laski monastery to meet Bishop from Ukraine. He also took me to another missionary bishop from Papua, to have talks about possible job there. Peter also was the man who took my little belongings from Czarna Bialostocka where was my last staying in Poland after getting permission to go back on missions. Some of these things I was planning to give my father.

MEA CULPA

As child I was collecting things not easy to share with others. Not surprise that my brothers and sister were mostly my adversarians. We were in permanent conflict same as our parents. Peter was too small to participate these wars, Czarek was too small to be a winner, so he was kicked rather much. Sister was defending him so I was alone in these small wars.

After my going to Lyceum and disappearing of father everything became easier. But father came back and the only one who saw family conflicts between fathers was he. Each of us was nervous, just because such was atmosphere of our growing.

Each of us thanks to my mother's patience became good educated man. So finally we have many reasons to be thankful for such destiny. We have also many things to forgive each other. I hope my story may be helpful to do that some day.

Thinking about our childhood I may tell you, for sure it was not an easy time for all of us.

F. Jaroslaw Wisniewski